Well none of these are the one true recipe for guacamole which was fortuitously given to me many years ago in a bar in Pilsen by a 174 year old one eyed four-foot tall Mexican native by the name of "Stinky Pete". I think he was married to Charo.
OK, maybe Pete wasn't married to Charo, but he did tell me he was 174. And Mexican. Even with the shock blonde hair and the tongue piercing. He might have been lying.
Or maybe I'm lying about his existence, but this truly is the recipe that converted many a supermarket guacamole hater, including my mother-in-law Rosalind.
In any case, I couldn't agree more with Kate's assertion that eating commercial guacamole is just the worst thing you can do. I also would encourage the Food Whore to fight back against the tomato and tomatilla haters who beat her with a bag of chips when she introduced the round red vegetable (OK, I know it's really a fruit) into her guacamole.
Good guacamole, in my opinion, should be a mix of fresh tastes and a variety of textures. Overmashing must be discouraged. An avocado is a vegetable, not a butter. OK, an avocado is also really a fruit, not a vegetable, but roll with me here.
Way back when, I posted a chipotle guacamole recipe. That's a specialty guacamole that may not appeal to everyone. For example, I loved it and wife, the Redhead, did not. Try this one and see if everyone who likes guacamole doesn't just love the stuff.
And for Pete's sake (remember Pete?), don't buy those guacamole flavored chips. I don't know what that flavor is supposed to be, but it sure isn't guacamole.
Stinky Pete's Straight-Up Chunky Guacamole
About 4 avocados, plus one for adjustments
About 1/2 white onion, diced 1/4", plus one for adjustments
About 2 small tomatoes, diced 1/4", plus one for adjustments (you could substitute tomatillos for a more tart flavor)
The juice of about 2 small limes (not key lime small, just small), plus some for adjustments
1/4 cup or so of cilantro, plus some for adjustments
1/2 jalapeno, deveined, deseeded, minced finely, plus some for adjustments
2 cloves garlic or so, plus some for adjustments
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt plus some for adjustments
OK, so the first thing you'll notice is that this recipe isn't very precise. That's because we're working with all natural ingredients here. Flavor, intensity, size all differ from specimen to specimen. This is what being a cook or a chef is all about - working with the reality of your ingredients, not the arbitrary confines of a recipe.
What I have above is what I used for the latest batch of guacamole I made which was and is scrummy, let me tell you.
Cut your avocado in half, use a spoon and scoop out the pit, taking as little flesh with it as possible. Discard the pit. That stuff about the pit keeping the guacamole from turning brown? It's hooey, according to Harold McGee and Cecil Adams. Your lime juice is the anti-oxidation agent here.
Using a sharp knife, cut the flesh of one avocado half lengthwise into five or six separate sections. Don't penetrate the skin of the avocado (or the chef), but use enough pressure to make it through the flesh. Make about five or six cuts across the previous cuts so you have a number of small squares scored. Take a spoon and carefully scoop out the flesh from the peel, depositing it into a non-metallic mixing bowl. Repeat with the other half and the other avocados.
Chop the cilantro roughly. Add your diced tomatoes, the cilantro, onion, garlic, and jalapeno. Toss roughly to mix. Taste.
Sprinkle the salt and squeeze the lime juice into the bowl to taste and mix well. Now, if you insist on mashing your avocados, do so, with a fork, but only very, very lightly. Chunky is king. Taste again and adjust by adding more of anything that demands to be added.
Guacamole is easy, and even bad guacamole is pretty good if it's not too bad. Serve with chips and maybe a dusting of red chili powder for color.
If, by some miracle, there is guacamole left to store, put it into a container taller than wide and cover the top with lime slices. That should help delay oxidation.
If you enjoy this recipe, Stinky Pete salutes you.